skunk

so im lying in bed and im squeezing my eyes trying to cry but my eyes arent having any of it you know the tears wont come out they just wont they come only after a small silly thing happens they like to humilate me embarras me infront of people like the time i cried when my powder case broke everyone thought i was nuts for crying

but right now after everything in my brain has come together and crashed crashed crashed theres an accident in my head and i cant do anything about it better wait till something not worth crying over happens so i can cry and then well then the accident what about the accident the crash what about

My head hurts and my eyes hurt but the worst thing is what i just thought just thought as i was trying to sleep . I wished that id fall sleep and never wake up . I have never ever in my entire life had suicidal thoughts . Never . Ive wished to hurt and actually hurt myself . But never have i honestly whole heartedly wished to die . Ive always been kinda proud of that . You know . Always been really proud of myself for that .I would say look at you ya flana this and this happened to you but you stay strong shit happens you cry you bitch than you move on im proud of you ! But now thats changed . I had a suicidal thought .Isnt that fucked up . That cant be good right .Im sure ill be ok tomorrow ill be tweeting along and laughing it up like i didnt just post this thats still me being strong right ? but right now right now i feel no im not gonna say it again

What a snooty post .

Holy blog ; its been seventeen days since my last post . And im only posting now because im trying to keep my mind off the fact that I CANT GIVE MYSELF SOME SWEET SWEET LOVING . IM SHARING A ROOM . Feel my sorrow my dear holy blog . It been nine days since i last gave myself an afternoon delight . NINE DAYS . Woah .

Lol that was pretty random . Okay . Love that episode where ike fucks his teacher . Hilarious . I love ike ! He’s so cuuuute .

Moving on . Lately, after a long long absence , ive gone back to reading arabic novels . I of course googled what arabic novels i should start reading . I ask google for everything . Google is my lover my mother my father my best friend my everything . Anyway i came up with this list . Out of the 105 books listed there i only read three : moden elmel7 by abdulrahman moneef , al-asforyah by abdulrahman alqusaibi and wasmyah takhraj men elbahar by laila alothman . I loved and will not forget each one of those books . I think they should have put sheqat al-horyah by alqusaibi too but kaifhum .

I went to the bookshop and asked for a bunch of the books on the list and didnt find them . The guy working there told me to buy this book called ekhtelaas by hany naqshbandy and shara3 al3a6ayef by abdullah ben bkheet . The latter book i use now as a tool to hit bugs with after reading it for only thirty pages .Why ? Because from the first page it has been about sex sex sex and its not done tastefully . ITS TACKY . I love sex more than the next person but come on .. God .. Saudi novelists and their obsession with sex ; its unbelievable . I can understand why its always about the sex conservative society etc. but now they’re just writing to be sensational to shock . And what else did i hate about that novel ? Hmm yes ! He wrote that the female character “nouf” compared the guy who molested her when she was a kid to her recently betrothed on her wedding night ie. the molester was more of a man ! PUHLEEEZ as if a saudi woman no no ANY WOMAN would think that on her wedding night of all nights ! He assumed falsely that he knows what a woman feels , thinks . Oh shut up . Ya sheen elrayal who presumes to know what a woman thinks , feels . Why we act the way we do . Especially us khaleeji women .

Anyway , im reading ekhtelaas now . Which is also by a saudi novelist . And i kinda feel that its on way to being a bug swatter too . HE KEEPS ASKING RHECTORICAL QUESTIONS . ALL THROUGH THE SIXTY PAGES IVE READ SO FAR HES BEEN ASKING HIMSELF THESE RHETORICAL QUESTIONS . They’re good deep questions that make you think but come on i can think between the lines you dont have push them in my face, bitch . And yeah the book so far also has alot of sexual themes , ugh .

I liked this quote though :

المجتمع السعودي بيئة جافة : نولد و نكبر ونموت ولا نعرف عن المرأة سوى ثلاث أشياء : تحيض ولا نحيض تلد ولا نلد نخطىء ولا يحق لها الخطأ

Wow that took along time for me to write . I hope you guys appreciated it . Should start writing in arabic more.

Anyway , i guess im gonna go to muthana soon and find those books that google told me to read . Salaaam alaikum .

P.S. Afternoon delight ! Bathroom ? NO ! IM NOT A MAN ! Hmph . Sadness .