a love rant without a sad ending – hopefully

i havent talked to C in awhile has it been two days i dont know its been awhile im waiting for him to call and he’s waiting for me to call and alot of our lives are gone by waiting for something and someone or just waiting if you want to do something do it and im a walking example of that and i think if i wanted to call him i would have but thats not right for him he wants me to call because he thinks he always initiates and wants to test me or whatever stupid fucking games we play instead of being unreserved and forgetting that pride and dignity really doesnt matter when you’ve got bigger issues like love and life

and its so hard to fall in love with someone really fall in love love them completely and un abashedly thats why love stories with a sad ending make us cry or at least make me cry because what a waste you know the love they had what a waste they’ll live and love but not that love that utter ecstatic love you live and you decide you love other things music pussy dick whatever your choice its always your choice  and if you never tried that love you’ll love your life and those things but if you had tried that overwhelming love nothing is the same nothing tastes the same and only people who have loved that were lucky to love would understand what you feel and only them

and you know because you have loved you know if the person infront of you loves you that way because you’ve got a taste of it or you’re tasting it now ! you know if he loves you relentlessly like you do or you did or loves himself or loves fear just anything other than you less than you do

and it doesnt help to ask because sometimes they we dont know why we love i think i know why i love C but not all the time most of the time i think i love because i found qualities in him that i found were lacking in others , he doesnt embarrass me or raise his voice like the men in my family ( they dont mean it, its a greek<<< ??? thing) , he doesnt insult me the worst thing he’s ever said to me was ‘yal khaysah’ and i used to use such terrible language at first when i got angry but he would never do that so i stopped he made me how shall i put it in a less corny way i cant – he made me a better person by respecting me i love how he tells me whenever i get the sads that every tear i shed all the sad moments he’ll make it up to me he’ll make me happy for the rest of my life

and i asked him why do you love me and he said you’re cute you’re funny i think i feel like ive known you for a long time i love you more because you’re my wife

you know i used to hear that alot from married men/women i used to ask them why do you love him/her and they used to reply because he’s my spouse and it feels like they love not because they HAVE to only but because they just are you love a person more because you chose him and he chose you its such a strange feeling you feel like he belongs to you and you belong to him but not in a bad way in a good way whatever you say no fear you’re in it in the long run and its safe another corny phrase but you really do feel a strong connection like you’re one person

and hopefully its for the long run , C is even more paranoid then i am he thinks we have it so good its bound to change someones bound to mess it up, he gets paranoid when i spend too much time with my friends or with my folks , hes just too cute or you find everything cute about someone you love

another not so cute flaw we have in common is jealousy thats the reason we arent speaking ive got a serious relationship flaw and thats jealousy im not possesive like C i dont care if he has fun or goes out but whenever he mentions any girl he’s not related to try not to laugh but i get so hot and bothered i start breathing heavily my voice changes and i dont feel safe and thats why i love C he makes me feel safer than anyone by knowing the things that upset me and never doing them but he didnt mean it to say what he said about her and C never does anything intentionally to upset me and i should call but i dont want to call

maybe when we move in ill stop being so jealous or more jealous if i make him love me more ill trust him more but i trust him now i really do but i dont want him to mention want love anyone but me let him think it like i do but never say

and other times i dont know why i love him but i do hes very demanding and a child sometimes but his flaws are nothing compared to the flaws ive seen so i love him i havent called him but ive made him that Cd he wanted and i bought him a couple of shirts from asos

i dont think C loves me – that much

i know he will but i wanna make him love me faster i want him to love me faster

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