him and that conversation

I really don’t know if i do love him , most probably not , i usually always try to immerse myself completely i guess the word here is act . Act that i also do love him ,want him , need him , feign that i care if something happens to him .When really i don’t care that much ; i realized that unfortunately later on in my relationships history when i promptly forgot about the person i loved and couldnt live without after a week or two at most . That probably isn’t real love , right ? Or is it ?

I care for him thats all and when im with him it doesn’t feel like acting it feels real i mean every word i say . I guess it could be that i so want to be that person ; a person who loves and cares deeply not a person who could cheat on you in a second if the chance ever came .

Me : Shlon tsawee feny chthy ? A7es eny ‘3abyah . Shlon t5aleeny a3raf ebhal6areqah el5aysah ? Kena friends gabel la n9eer ….  O ebnafs elyoam ely ana ely e7na gelna feeh halkalam ? Ma 7asait blthanb ? Ma karaht nafsek ? An karaht nafsey .

Him : Entay ma tadreen elsalfah kelhah mo ‘3al6atey its not like i cheated on you wallah its my family ana ma sawayt shay

Me : La tgooley enek ma sawayt shay !enta sawayt ! b3ad ma geltlek eny darait esta’3faltney chathabt 3lay …

Him : Ma chathabt 3laich ..

Me : Okay Okay 5ashayt 3any nafs elshay la teg3ad etrage3 enta ‘3al6aaan

Him : Adry . Adry . Ana methayeg akthar menech . There was no easy way to tell you . Ma gedart . Elsalfah mo sahalah ….. Ana abeech . Ana ma geltech aby atzwajach ?

Me : La wallah ? la tagleb elsalfah 3lay ! chnek enta ely 7awalt o sawait ely 3alaik .

Him : Ana mo qa9dey chthy . Entay fahmatney ‘3ala6 ..

Me : La enta ely fahemney ‘3ala6 . Enta 7esbalek eny met_thaygah 3ashan ma raa7 tezwajney ? Ana ma abee atzwajek ana geltlek men gabel ma aby . Ana met_thaygah men enek ma geltley o b3dain nekart , ma e3taraft . Ana adry ena e7na ma raa7 endoom 3la hal7aal o marad wa7ed menah yetzwaj .

Him : Elsalfah mo akeedah . Ana mestanes wyach wayed . Entay a7la shay 9aar eb7yaate .

Me : Shlon elsalfah mo akeedah ? O etha enta etgool elbent zainah go for it ? You either want or dont want . You cant have everything .

Him :Ana aby afahmech shay . You have to know shlon 9arat elsalfah kelhah .

Me : Ma aby a3raf . Maby . 7ata law 3la goltek ahalek ma ahalek you could have stoped it , if you really wanted me o mestanes wyaay you could have stopped it . But fee shay ebda5lek yabee halzejah .

Him : Layl7een ma etzwajt !!!

Me : Okay kaifek . Enta shno taby al7een ? Shno taby meney ?

Him : Abeech etsam7eeney .

Me : Sama7tek .

Him : Men kel galbech

Me : 7elwa hathy lol tawhah 9ayrah elsalfah o tabeeny asam7ek 3la 6ool en6er ya 7abeeby waayed

Him : lol

Me : Ya raytney 5entek lama safart 3al aqal chan barad chabdey shwayah

Him : La tgoolen chthy . Ana ma 5entech

Me : …………………..

Him : Denyah wa95ah

Me : Kel shay maktoob ymeken hatha kela 9aar 3ashan raby ma yabeena ensawy ashyaa wa95ah m3a b3ath ?

Him : lol i will never forget that day at the beach

Me : 3aad ma g3adna wayed wya b3ath tawna blbedayah …..  samm bentek 3alay lol

Him : eee the7kay the7kay

Me : tabeeeny abchy? Enta ely lazem tabchy . Law ana msawyah hal7arakah feek . Law enta daarey eny en5a6abt men 6araf thany o mo meney ana 3aib ely sawaitah 3aib

Him :…………… Wallah eny a7bech. Ana ma a7es eny mertaaa7 ela wyaach . Ma a7asab 3la kalamey agdar agol ely agolah . Mako shay ma a7ebah feech . A7eb wayhech lama tebtasmain , a7eb ebtesamtech , a7eb tafkeerech , a7eb 9otech , a7eb 3yoonech , a7eb sha3rech , a7eb lama ada5el a9ab3ey ebsha3rech o al3ab feeh , a7eb jesmech…

Me : bass

Him : Okay . Asef .

Me : Ma abeek edeg 3alay wala abey ashofek ela laman etqarer taby wala ma taby ? tabeehah wala ma tabeehah ? O la echatheb 3lay enta tadry ill know . Etha tabeehah allah ewafegk  o allah ma3aak , etha ma tabeehah ana layl7een mawjoodah , faker ow esta5eer , 6ala3ney men elsalfah kelhaha , faker 3adel okay ? Etefaqnah ?

Him : Okay .

Me : Taby shay ?

Him : Ee . 3a6eeny bosah .

Me : Ummmwaaah .Te9ba7 3la 5air .

Him : Wentay men ahlah .