I feel as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest

He writes notes in his notebooks .

He read to me something he wrote in 2001 . Just after we met .

About me . Such detail . My name my nickname and what i look like; my weight my height , my hair. Everything . What i like and what i don’t like and even the messages i sent him were written there .

“Doesn’t like people seeing her cry”

My heart hurts and there is a lump in my throat and its happening again . I cant cry . As if I’m being punished to suffer through the pain rather than take comfort in releasing it though tears  .I was a kid . And now .

“Doesn’t know what she wants”

And the way he talked so detached so matter of fact very unlike him as if he was reading something off a newspaper .As if he had given up on me and just wanted to say these last words .I wanted to say it .

I’m so sorry

But i didn’t .

And the funny part is . I know that i’m going to do it again . But before i do I’m going to make it up to him at whatever cost .