About him : a long post : read it in installments

Usually when something new , exciting or depressing happens i immediately jump in here and tell it to my dear old bloggie . Im aware that u guys like the depressing posts not so much and hyper ! happy ! giddy ! sexy ! plastic much more and i dont blame you guys life is too short to waste it reading sad old pasts . Hell i dont i even read them i just write them haha and when i happen to catch a few words here and there i immediately throw it in the trash . Moving on , man, do i digress . I talk that way in real life too . I digressed again . So lately something! or someone! lol im being dramatic its a someone and i havent written about him even though i met him( when ? when? i dont remember not good with dates) because because because because he knows about us !!!! i mean me and you i mean this blog i mean everything yes yes pretty mabya3ah of me excuse my indiscretion never again! will actually this is my third time but thirds time a charm ! allah yaster ..

And then i was like i caaaant i have to write this down ! my brain is starting to hurt ok im lying!  my brain didnt hurt i just needed to let things out because i stopped letting “things” out to my friends men zemaaaaaaaan and you dear people who are sitting over there naqdeeen 3alay and the ones at the other end dasheen 6umasha and the one or two who like my posts will shut up and take it . Take my posts Taaaaake it .

So im writing this pretending that he isnt reading this even though i know he is but if i dont pretend that i dont know hes reading this then i wouldnt be writing it so pretend i shall!

So far i really like him there has been slight drama here and there but not like the OMG drama of my past relationships before . Im still unsure about him , about everything actually , and unsure of myself seeing that hes read my blog and he keeps saying he knows me and im thinking he knows you ! run run run for your life ! what have you gotten yourself into ! and its like what am i if he knows what i am cuz i dont know who i am and what i want and what i need, it changes every five seconds but the thing that im sure of is i want someone to just be there . You know i posted this quote on twitter which i heard in this movie brick lane and it describes what im talking about :

” the thing abt getting older is that u dont want everything to be possible anymore , u just want some things to be certain.”

and thats it and yeah i do feel pretty old .

It kinda annoys me when he talks sometimes you dont know whether hes kidding or being serious it gets a tad juvenile . Sometime he freaks me out i sorta get a silent mini 7aalah nafsyah when he talks about some of the not nice things hes done and when he talks about his friends sad little characters i also get a mini silent mental breakdown ; Its like ” el6oyoor 3ala ashkaalahah taqa3″ or “man 3aaasharah qawman” etc etc but then im like if i wanted him to be perfect i would have thought he was boring but still i hate not being sure .About him . I guess time will cure all doubt blah blah blah.

But what im really sure of is i like him because hmmm why do i like him ? i dont know why i wouldnt like him . He hasnt done anything that would make me unlike him .  He isnt pretentious . He is got a good sense of humor . He isnt uptight or boring . He’s honest . He hasnt thrown these qa6aat 7aqeerah which really shows you what a guy thinks of you .

I dont know though . Ive told him to not be so careful around me . Now i dont know what i think . Is this him is this really him or is he being really careful around me .

Its all very new to me . Ive talked to guys before and ive broken up with them faster than you can tie your shoe laces . Ive been with assholes . Ive been with nice guys .Ive had two long term relationships but you wouldnt call them a relationship . Not even in the broadest sense of the term . It was all a serious of on and offs . It was all unserious and mellow  . And now here i am in this relationship in all the sense of the word and im in it naked as fuck and im not in charge and sometimes i feel i just wanna find something just one little thing against him i just want him to fuck up just once so i would run run run and go back to the way things are . Because nothing good can come out of something that came way too fast , right ?

If wellness is this, what in Hell’s name is sickness? *

Hi i’m plastic and i have just returned from a trip of some sort of subconscious self punishment. Or was it conscious ? No no it didn’t hit me until it finished. What i did to myself isn’t relative or important , it wasn’t anything unpleasant or anyhow masochistic seeing that i didn’t derive any pleasure from it. I guess i hit myself where it hurts ? Not literally of course but figuratively.

And now am i fine ? with myself ? Have i settled the score ? I really don’t know . Dunno/ madry – my new favorite words. And lets not forget kaifich/kaifek . Resigned with the world and unsure little  plastic. What am i sure of ? I guess the one thing im sure of is i wanna make myself forget. About stuff . And be happy and other lovely selfish things. Which in most circumstances would have been a piece of cake because i don’t ask for much .But i guess the problem is  my circumstances aren’t very obliging ? Is that the word here .

How did she die ?

She died from a lack of motivation.

Yes Yes ! Motivate myself ! Be happy ! Do with what you have ! If you want it go for it ! No no the exclamation marks didn’t help me get motivated .

*And the post title is from a song i think i’ve posted before by Amanda palmer called ” Runs in the family“.  The song lyrics have been in my head all day . Here goes :

” -With me, well, I’m well, well I mean I’m in Hell, well
I still have my health, at least that’s what they tell me
If wellness is this, what in Hell’s name is sickness?
But business is business and business runs in the family
We tend to bruise easily, mad in the blood
I’m telling you ’cause I just want you to know me
Know me and my family, we’re wonderful folks
But don’t get to close to me ’cause you might knock me up

-And running is something that we’ve always done well
And mostly I can’t even tell what I’m running from
Run from their pity, from responsibility
Run from the country and run from the city
I can run from the law, I can run from myself
I can run from my life, I can run into debt
I can run from it all, I can run ’til I’m gone
I can run for the office and run for my cause
I can run using every last ounce of energy
I cannot, I cannot, I cannot run from my family
They’re hiding inside of me, corpses on ice
Come in if you like but just don’t tell my family
They’d never forgive me, they’d say that I’m crazy
But they would say anything if it would shut me up “

Wow . Writing lyrics down sounds so nineties .

And now let us slumber .