you guys are too cute for still checking on this shitty old dead bloggy anyway ive moved here
bye loverrrs
a self aware post and Krishnamurti
hi, dont read this if you have no interest in philosophy or my ramblings or people who use limited punctuation
. . . it is important to understand, not intellectually but actually in your daily life, how you have built images about your wife, your husband, your neighbor, your child, your country, your leaders, your politicians, your gods–you have nothing but images.
The images create the space between you and what you observe and in that space there is conflict, so what we are going to find out now together is whether it is possible to be free of the space we create, not only outside ourselves but in ourselves, the space which divides people in all their relationships.
Now the very attention you give to a problem is the energy that solves that problem. When you give your complete attention–I mean with everything in you–there is no observer at all. There is only the state of attention which is total energy, and that total energy is the highest form of intelligence. Naturally that state of mind must be completely silent and that silence, that stillness, comes when there is total attention, not disciplined stillness. That total silence in which there is neither the observer nor the thing observed is the highest form of a religious mind. But what takes place in that state cannot be put into words because what is said in words is not the fact. To find out for yourself you have to go through it.– J. Krishnamurti, Freedom from the Known, pp. 92-93
Whenever i think of something now or say something STATE something with assurance i question it . Why did i say that how do i know that why am i so sure . Was this my original thought ? Do i believe this or did i say it because of a by product a residue of thoughts ideas convictions from society films religion books . Is there such a thing as an original thought . Why do i believe having an education is so important ? Is education really the best way to learn ? Is having a great job immediately equated with having a great life ? Is believing that only ONE road in life will make you happy really a wise thing to think ? Why am i so sure ? I will not be sure about anything. I will not care what anyone who is not in anyway fucking up my freedom or anyone else- does . Because they’re not hurting me or anyone else . I will not believe that because im a woman in this life – i should be whatever a woman is supposed to be- i will not believe that i have to be their image which is contrived from the media from around them from the past . Why is that vulgar ? Is that really not beautiful ? Am i supposed to do that ? be that ? Even if it is should i change for them ? Most of all , is it making me happy ? Am i ok with it ? I will think for myself and most of all im gonna be aware of everything i say and think . I will not follow one thinker and agree with him on everything. Most philosophers do not follow all their philiosophy .
If I am all the time measuring myself against you, struggling to be like you, then I am denying what I am myself. Therefore I am creating an illusion. When I have understood that comparison in any form leads only to greater illusion and greater misery, just as when I analyse myself, add to my knowledge of myself bit by bit, or identify myself with something outside myself, whether it be the State, a savior or an ideology–when I understand that all such processes lead only to greater conformity and therefore greater conflict–when I see all this I put it completely away. Then my mind is no longer seeking. It is very important to understand this. Then my mind is no longer groping, searching, questioning. This does not mean that my mind is satisfied with things as they are, but such a mind has no illusion. Such a mind can then move in a totally different dimension. The dimension in which we usually live, the life of every day which is pain, pleasure and fear, has conditioned the mind, limited the nature of the mind, and when that pain, pleasure and fear have gone (which does not mean that you no longer have joy: joy is something entirely different from pleasure) –then the mind functions in a different dimension in which there is no conflict, no sense of `otherness’.
Verbally we can go only so far: what lies beyond cannot be put into words because the word is not the thing. Up to now we can describe, explain, but no words or explanations can open the door. What will open the door is daily awareness and attention–awareness of how we speak, what we say, how we walk, what we think. . . . It depends on your state of mind. And that state of mind can be understood only by yourself, by watching it and never trying to shape it, never taking sides, never opposing, never agreeing, never justifying, never condemning, never judging–which means watching it without any choice. And out of this choiceless awareness perhaps the door will open and you will know what that dimension is in which there is no conflict and no time.– J. Krishnamurti, Freedom from the Known, pp. 32-33
All authority of any kind, especially in the field of thought and understanding, is the most destructive, evil thing. Leaders destroy the followers and followers destroy the leaders. You have to be your own teacher and your own disciple. You have to question everything that man has accepted as valuable, as necessary.
– J. Krishnamurti, Freedom from the Known, p. 21
Most of all i will try to be a better person . Not what everyone believes a better person is . But what i believe . I will try to live even if its not the way i want it . I will love . Because i love LOVE. I will do stuff that i dont want to do if it will help me in the long run .I will do stuff i dont want to do if it makes the people i love happy . I no longer feel any kind of regret for anything ive done. Everything ive done – unwisely , i will learn from . Have learned from them. Everything ive done i did for a reason or if there was no reason- who cares ? How pointless ? How pointless is thinking negatively about anything in the past.
It is tradition, the accumulation of experience, the ashes of memory, that make the mind old. The mind that dies every day to the memories of yesterday, to all the joys and sorrows of the past–such a mind is fresh, innocent, it has no age; and without that innocence, whether you are ten or sixty, you will not find God.
– J. Krishnamurti, Think on These Things
I will not judge anyone . I will not make fun of someone because he decides to follow any path in his life that does not concern me. I will think before i speak . I will question everything . I will not say that someone is stupid because he follows any religion i will not hate someone because he doesnt follow any religion . I will not call a women a whore slut just because that insult is judgmental and are the thoughts of others not mine . I will not hate someone because they dont believe what i believe or think what i think . If they’re happy – fine . If they’re okay with it- fine . If you think that you’re sensitive enough to be affected – negatively- by their thoughts and behaviour dont associate them . Keep it limited or remove them from your life . Just know yourself . This might seem like self – help crap but im not saying this to you but to me .
To understand anything you must live with it, you must observe it, you must know all its content, its nature, its structure, its movement. Have you ever tried living with yourself? If so, you will begin to see that yourself is not a static state, it is a fresh living thing. And to live with a living thing you mind must also be alive. And it cannot be alive if it is caught in opinions, judgements and values.
– J. Krishnamurti, Freedom from the Known, p. 23
And thats what ive done ive stopped associating with a relative because of how sad he makes me feel with his sexism anger and negativity his hatred towards anyone not like him or his religion or sect. My friend tells me that shes never seen me as sensitive as i have been this year. Everything disappointing makes me feel sad. Sometimes when someone tells me something inhumane done to someone i feel that it happened to me . Most of all , when people- i like or who i supposed liked me or loved me or any degree of positive emotion- hurt me i get very very uncomfortably sad . Its as if i cant expect any other emotions other than love adoration and respect. Because i really am trying to be all of these things with them . I love because i want to be loved . Only when you really have understood and felt love will you know what a big deal it is.
But before i used to get the sads an awful lot . Not so much now . And when i do get it i snap out of it pretty fucking fast that its freaky even to me . I never take anything seriously . Even when im crying im laughing im joking when im crying. So theres hope there . If getting the sads and feeling so much makes me get a kick more out of life , more excited, more passionate then i think i can live with it and so has he . And so has my friends. And family .
Does life having meaning, a purpose? Is not living in itself its own purpose? Why do we want more? . . . Our difficulty is that, since our life is empty, we want to find a purpose to life and strive for it. Such a purpose of life can only be mere intellection, without any reality; when the purpose of life is pursued by a stupid, dull mind, by an empty heart, that purpose will also be empty. This question about the purpose of life is put by those who do not love.
– Krishnamurti, The First and Last Freedom, 1954
I still get thoughts of death everytime i get the sads . But its not morbid . Its only a feeling i get when my heart has had it rough. Its a choice i get when my negative feelings are in a whirl and the living gets tough . I hardly ever get it , though ? Its a choice isnt it ? Dont hate . Pro choice ?
We think that living is always in the present and that dying is something that awaits us at a distant time. But we have never questioned whether this battle of everyday life is living at all. We want to know the truth about reincarnation, we want proof of the survival of the soul, we listen to the assertion of clairvoyants and to the conclusions of psychical research, but we never ask, never, how to live–to live with delight, with enchantment, with beauty every day. We have accepted life as it is with all its agony and despair and have got used to it, and think of death as something to be carefully avoided. But death is extraordinarily like life when we know how to live. You cannot live without dying. You cannot live if you do not die psychologically every minute. This is not an intellectual paradox. To live completely, wholly, every day as if it were a new loveliness, there must be dying to everything of yesterday, otherwise you live mechanically, and a mechanical mind can never know what love is or what freedom is.
– Krishnamurti, Freedom From The Known, p. 76-77
So..
you know how there are some people who love someone more after sex ? You dont ? Well ,,,,, my point is I AM THAT PERSON . I love him i love him i love him . This weekend was so hot . And i loved him more because i feel safe and felt safe . I used to look at him and worry . Im not worrying anymore. Thank me thank me thank me. I knew i could do it . I fucking knew . I keep beating myself up about the bad shit the bad luck thats happened to me in my lovely dramatic life but honestly i do get everything i want and the things i dont get are the things i really didnt want that much in the first place .
Thursday night ? Really ? i dont remember . It was perfect . My past vaginal penetrations ( oh how romantic) have been messy , bloody and and fraught with hesitance and insecurity . But this time it was -just right . It still hurt. Its a mystery how i’m still tight . Maybe i have like a permanent hymen or something anyway …he’s pretty big . I noticed a few droplets of the red stiuff on the bed only after we finished . But i didnt notice it all while we were fucking . Maybe because we were high and i was tipsy but he was drunk . It ended with no regrets . Only love sweet love and finally -and boy do i deserve it – a restful mind . And a restful mind for him too . Im so glad im happy and hes happy and no one had to suffer from the – unfortunate past ?
Im soooo happpppyyyyyyyyyyy. Finally . Things are looking up .
Habeeby . Yes i do love him more more and more and i think him too . Sex either fucks up everything or makes everything perfect , i guess.
And i know that now ive opened that door . Its gonna be all about THAT now but i dont care . I love it and whats so bad about that door anyhow fucking while you’re in love is basically just loving .There’s not fucking involved . Its just an extension of your love .
And lets not kid ourselves . I have a sex addiction problem .
HAHAHAHAHAHA that sounded so funny . Why is that a problem ?! Well, its a slight hindarance if youve been hungry for kids and now that you’re fucking without inhibitions , you realize you need to hold on till your wedding day at least . Ummmm kiddddds <3
But C is a meanie and doesnt want kids right away .HAH three years. But i dont care . Why the fuck did i get married anyhow . Okay that was mean. Im sorry C. You shouldve seen the way he kept double checking that condom . And you should have seen the way i completely didnt .
He’ll forgive me . C is nicer than me . He doesnt know how to talk sometimes but i guess im pretty hard to talk , too. But he is really nice . And he’s so hot . Which also helps . So caring and gentle and passionate .
Yeah i just saw him .Did you sense the heat coming out of me ? I still want him .How about us making out in the unlocked salah while my family is next door haha best kisssserrrr eveerrrrrr . Ya zeen elbaya3aan wallah . Habeeby .
Im horny :( Goodnight :(
Kidddddsssss little small dirty things running around :((((((
p.s. im thinking of writing a short story called ” a struggle of a girl in her melcha who wants to have babies but has to wait until her wedding day” Catchy title , eh ? Read by only the people here of course. Nobody would understand that title anywhere else in the world. I dont think i do too .
Kori Pop – Nowhere near my heart
This song . This fucking song . Seven thousand views only . Sung, composed and directed by Kori Pop. I dont think she’s even signed anywhere. Her voice the lyrics LOVE .
Download link : http://www.mediafire.com/?jruq12rbo9xh2fc
a love rant without a sad ending – hopefully
i havent talked to C in awhile has it been two days i dont know its been awhile im waiting for him to call and he’s waiting for me to call and alot of our lives are gone by waiting for something and someone or just waiting if you want to do something do it and im a walking example of that and i think if i wanted to call him i would have but thats not right for him he wants me to call because he thinks he always initiates and wants to test me or whatever stupid fucking games we play instead of being unreserved and forgetting that pride and dignity really doesnt matter when you’ve got bigger issues like love and life
and its so hard to fall in love with someone really fall in love love them completely and un abashedly thats why love stories with a sad ending make us cry or at least make me cry because what a waste you know the love they had what a waste they’ll live and love but not that love that utter ecstatic love you live and you decide you love other things music pussy dick whatever your choice its always your choice and if you never tried that love you’ll love your life and those things but if you had tried that overwhelming love nothing is the same nothing tastes the same and only people who have loved that were lucky to love would understand what you feel and only them
and you know because you have loved you know if the person infront of you loves you that way because you’ve got a taste of it or you’re tasting it now ! you know if he loves you relentlessly like you do or you did or loves himself or loves fear just anything other than you less than you do
and it doesnt help to ask because sometimes they we dont know why we love i think i know why i love C but not all the time most of the time i think i love because i found qualities in him that i found were lacking in others , he doesnt embarrass me or raise his voice like the men in my family ( they dont mean it, its a greek<<< ??? thing) , he doesnt insult me the worst thing he’s ever said to me was ‘yal khaysah’ and i used to use such terrible language at first when i got angry but he would never do that so i stopped he made me how shall i put it in a less corny way i cant – he made me a better person by respecting me i love how he tells me whenever i get the sads that every tear i shed all the sad moments he’ll make it up to me he’ll make me happy for the rest of my life
and i asked him why do you love me and he said you’re cute you’re funny i think i feel like ive known you for a long time i love you more because you’re my wife
you know i used to hear that alot from married men/women i used to ask them why do you love him/her and they used to reply because he’s my spouse and it feels like they love not because they HAVE to only but because they just are you love a person more because you chose him and he chose you its such a strange feeling you feel like he belongs to you and you belong to him but not in a bad way in a good way whatever you say no fear you’re in it in the long run and its safe another corny phrase but you really do feel a strong connection like you’re one person
and hopefully its for the long run , C is even more paranoid then i am he thinks we have it so good its bound to change someones bound to mess it up, he gets paranoid when i spend too much time with my friends or with my folks , hes just too cute or you find everything cute about someone you love
another not so cute flaw we have in common is jealousy thats the reason we arent speaking ive got a serious relationship flaw and thats jealousy im not possesive like C i dont care if he has fun or goes out but whenever he mentions any girl he’s not related to try not to laugh but i get so hot and bothered i start breathing heavily my voice changes and i dont feel safe and thats why i love C he makes me feel safer than anyone by knowing the things that upset me and never doing them but he didnt mean it to say what he said about her and C never does anything intentionally to upset me and i should call but i dont want to call
maybe when we move in ill stop being so jealous or more jealous if i make him love me more ill trust him more but i trust him now i really do but i dont want him to mention want love anyone but me let him think it like i do but never say
and other times i dont know why i love him but i do hes very demanding and a child sometimes but his flaws are nothing compared to the flaws ive seen so i love him i havent called him but ive made him that Cd he wanted and i bought him a couple of shirts from asos
i dont think C loves me – that much
i know he will but i wanna make him love me faster i want him to love me faster
